Today, instead of breaking down one of my own essays, I'm going to break down chat GT's essay. And this is what it generated. All I put into the machine was generate me a common app essay under 500 words. It chose the topic of music.
So let's take a look.
"The final notes of the piano piece resonated through the concert hall, leaving me with a profound sense of fulfillment."
As an opening hook, I like that it starts with something image based, something sensory based. I don't know if I like the second half of the sentence, "leaving me with a profound sense of fulfillment." Why? Because I think when you start off the essay, you shouldn't already be in a place of fulfillment. There needs to be growth and change throughout the essay. So if there is this sense of fulfillment in music, it really should come off at the end.
I think I would have preferred this writer to start off with a sense of challenge, instead of dwelling with on the fullness and the beauty of music, which we'll get to of course. We want to earn that sense of fulfillment.
"Music had always been an integral part of my life, but that particular performance marked a turning point, a moment when I realized the profound impact music had on my personal growth and development."
This part is so general that it doesn't really point us to anything specific. I would ask ChatGPT to show and not tell.
What about this particular performance defined that change and made music that much more meaningful in this writer's life? I want to be a part of this performance. I want to feel it, I want to smell it. I want to hear it. I want to experience all the sensations that you, as the writer, experienced as a performer, I want to be brought into your world.
And there's no better place to do this in the essay than in the beginning. You really want to hook your reader in. You want to bring them in using the five senses. So what ChatGPT has written here is a really good goal to strive towards; basically when your reader reads this intro part, you understand that yes, this is a profound turning point in this musician's career, and that this has made a big impact on their personal growth. That's what we want the reader to implicitly understand, but not explicitly say. I always tell my students, it's good to write out sentences like these, because it basically acts as a guiding light for you to write towards. You want the audience to come to their own conclusion. I would hope that whatever story that you're telling would implicitly demonstrate your personal growth.
"My journey with music began in my early childhood when my parents introduced me. Me to the piano. Initially, it was just another extracurricular activity, but as I continued my lessons and discovered the joy of creating melodies, it became much more, the piano became my sanctuary, a place where I could express myself without uttering a single word.
However, my connection with music extended far beyond personal enjoyment in high school. I joined the school orchestra where I learned the power of collaboration and the beauty of harmonizing with others. Music became a universal language that transcended cultural and linguistic barriers, evoking emotions, uniting communities, conveying messages beyond words."
I like that we go back in time a little bit to show the genesis of this passion. Um, I wonder. I would ask this student what about that first memory that you remember experiencing the joys of the piano? Can you bring us into that memory and why it's so important to you? So first encounters, first impressions are always a great place to begin a story.
I do like this sentence that "the piano became my sanctuary, a place where I could express myself without uttering a single word." I do like that because it demonstrates like why this person is so passionate about piano. I wish it was juxtaposed with what this person felt like away from the piano in the social world. Like what? Does this person need sanctuary from? That's what I feel like it's missing.
ChatGPT goes on to say that he joined the school orchestra, learned the power of collaboration and the beauty of harmonizing with others. I would ask this writer: how did you learn the power of collaboration? In this case, you're talking about your actual orchestra team members. I would always encourage my students to name drop their fellow players or fellow classmates. When you drop a name and then you connect it to someone real, suddenly the story becomes much, much, much more specific to you and your experience in that orchestra.
Tell me about the times that you had difficulty collaborating with others, or tell me about a time where all these different instruments came together and created a glorious harmony. What piece were you playing? I really want to push students to get specific. There's, there's so much more depth you can go into in these details that will serve the overall reading experience.
I would also encourage students to actually use jargon. So let's say your essay is about a passion, a hobby that you have. Use the jargon from that field, and don't be afraid that your reader won't understand it. We probably won't understand it, but, the purpose of having jargon in there is to show that you are truly a master of your passion.
"My involvement in the orchestra taught me the value of discipline and perseverance as the demands of rehearsals and performances increased, so did my commitment to honing my skills. Countless hours were dedicated to practice, often at the expense of leisure time and social outings."
What ChatGPT is striving for is great. However, I would ask this student to revise it, to really show us and bring to life the struggles, in order to make the ending worth it.
You want to bring us through an emotional journey with a beginning, middle, and end. And in like a movie, when you have the rising action, there's a lot of struggle and challenges that your protagonists face, right? So that's this portion of this essay. I wanna hear about the sleepless nights, the blood sweat and tears, the cramp that you had in your piano fingers, the sadness on your face when you told your friends you couldn't hang out with them because you had to prepare for an upcoming concert. These are the details that'll make it more specific to you, and we can really feel your pain, your anguish, this thing that challenged you and made you grow.
"The determination I developed through music spilled over into other aspects of my life, feeling my academic pursuits and inspired me to take on leadership roles in various student school organizations beyond school. I saw opportunities to share my passion for music with others.
Volunteering at local nursing homes exposed me to the transformative power of melodies on the residents, witnessing their faces light up with joy and their spirits uplifted by the familiar tunes solidified my belief in therapeutic capacity of music."
Here's where I would caution students not to turn your common app essay into a resume.
I think that's a really major trap! Remember that your admissions officers are receiving the rest of your application. They're looking at you holistically. So that includes all of your school activities and clubs and awards and honors and volunteer stuff.
So, why regurgitate that to us when we'll have it in list form, unless you're gonna do something different with it? In this case, ChatGPT does attempt this a little bit in bringing us into the story of this volunteer opportunity, talking about a local nursing home. I would get even more specific. Is there a particular senior resident who you established a connection to through music, and how did that person's life change? Or even if it was just their demeanor that changed? By name dropping that person, we understand the specificity of your situation, and it feels more real.
"Moreover, my involvement in music has shaped my understanding of empathy and compassion through performances. I learned to listen attentively and respond sensitively to the emotions conveyed by each piece. This skill translated into my interactions with others, enabling me to empathize with their struggles and provide support when needed."
I do not love any of this paragraph because it is so vague, and I don't understand really how music enables this person to empathize with their struggles. So if this was you, I would ask you for a very specific example.
"Looking ahead to college, I'm confident that music will continue to be an integral part of my life. I eagerly anticipate exploring new avenues of musical expression and contributing to the vibrant artistic community on campus. Whether through participating in ensembles or engaging with the local community, I aspire to leverage the power of music to foster connection, bridge divides and inspire positive change."
Not bad what this machine is going for. However, this paragraph does not belong in your common essay. This paragraph is more suitable for an essay question that's asking, why us? How are you going to contribute as a student onto this campus? This part of ChatGPT's essay interrupts the flow of the story of who you are. Yes, we want to paint a picture of who you are going to be, but I would move this section to a different essay because it's so college-specific.
"In conclusion, my background in music has profoundly shaped my identity and played a pivotal role in my personal growth. From the transformative power of melodies to the cultivation of discipline and empathy, music has taught me invaluable life lessons. I'm enthusiastic about bringing my passion for music to college and contributing to a community that values artistic expression and embraces the transformative power of the arts."
The best way to end an essay is not by summarizing what the essay is about, because that tells your reader you don't trust them to make their own conclusions, so you're spelling it out. And this is a habit that a lot of us are taught in school with the five paragraph essay structure, but for your common app essay and other essays, you do not need this conclusion.
If I do not understand that this is what you're going for through your essay, then something is wrong. But if I'm able to read your essay, which is mostly story and narrative driven, and I have an firm understanding of who you were, who you are, and who you want to be, without you having to lay it out for us so explicitly, I consider that essay a success.
So overall, I would rate ChatGPT's essay a 2 out of 10. The biggest reason why ChatGPT won't serve you in your essay writing journey is because anyone could have written it, right? That's the point. It made it so vague and general because it doesn't know you, it doesn't know your specific struggles.
If you were to drop any part of your essay, like let's say you dropped the first paragraph on the floor at school and it doesn't have your name on it, anyone who picks it up and reads it should be able to know that you wrote it. That means every sentence, every paragraph has to be so carefully crafted that there's no way that someone else wrote it.
It's so specific to your experience, your personality, your point of view that we'll immediately know that it's you. That's how I evaluate students' essays—when I see a sentence and feel that anyone have written that, I cut it. So that is why I'm ranking this essay so low.
DISCLAIMER: Do not use ChatGPT to generate any school-related essays. This could jeopardize your admissions and integrity. This video is for educational uses only.
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